And What Did The ADA Have To Say…

Ya, how novel to think a judge in Lancaster County weighs all things with unbiased objectivity, imparting legality without prejudice.  In all fairness I have been on this side of watching the judicial system pan out somewhat just. Somewhat…like once. 

I am still totally floored that a judge places “conditions” on a person who has yet to follow them any other time and drops bail from $350,000 to all but nothing, as long as he shows the fuck up.  Well, by all means send him to the VA so they can foot…er…provide care to a man whose use of the VA hospital system seems to be that of a revolving door and a get out of jail card.  Because the list of felonies he has racked up were all on the watch of “getting help at the VA” . That’s where he learned all about using cough syrup to get high, to avert positive drug tests.

So yes, please send him back there.  My fears have been alleviated. The VA rehab system should be used by those who have an intrinsic desire to obtain and maintain sobriety.

Not a catch all for a court system that hands off anyone they can. I guess the VA hospitals can function as rehabs and criminal housing.  Didn’t realize they had funding to house those who should be in, oh, I don’t know, jail maybe??  But fuck it, cut the VA funding!

While I was knocked  back by this insane tidbit of information, I have had and continue to have my own professional supports in place, even if they have dwindled down substantially.  Lucky me, I didn’t place all my needs in any offshoot of the Lancaster County Court of Common Pleas. Hard learned lesson of last time.  

I still got up today and made my way to town for my therapy appointment.  Talk of Kleo had all but gone by the wayside because he may have fucked my life up for a spell, he didn’t fuck me up as a whole human being.  I usually begin my session with boasting of my softball team and our kick-ass undefeated record. I still did talk about that, because that is something that is important to me and frankly matters more to me than my violent addict ex.  

However, the little things like safety of oneself should he start using – which really at this point isn’t “if” but rather “when”, did occupy some of today.  I’ve known my husband since I was in kindergarten, that person was anything but a violent and abusive soul.  He was gentle, smart and kind.

That version doesn’t exist anymore.  The version I know is on drugs or drinking with an untoled level of anger with me as his target.  It’s all my fault.

Expect for those of us who live in a base of reality, it isn’t all my fault.  But the consequences of this side of him, that is my risk. I have come to terms with knowing some part of me will always look over my shoulder, some part of me will always fear the ‘when he is using’ side of him. 

That’s my scarlet letter, my penance for having loved a broken man.  Still, I love that broken man but even the broken man has been long lost to the drug using violent man with an array of cluster B check marks in his column.

He was my one true love, long before he was what he has become.  Hindsight has shown that was true way back in childhood. I have mourned that loss for a long time, I’m sure I always will. 

Still, any good has been tainted  with violence towards me that I can’t erase, I can’t unsee it and I can’t unfeel it.  I can’t fix it and I should never have had to try.

Tuesday morning with “Gus” left me with a few thoughts to ponder.  As close to quoting as I can get: If I am to win this, I need to get in and play the game with everything I have and then some.  And if I want to stop the perpetual running that never ends with Kleo, I need to stop running.

Both statements are fact.  

With the caveat that they come across more ‘victim’ shaming than not and they sure as fuck seem to put an undo amount of responsibility on me and not my ex-husband.  And yes, they do sound as though it requires putting myself in the line of fire…again.  The context around them isn’t something I can articulate well enough to even attempt. I trust his insight, he has been my therapist for well over a year, he was hand picked because he wouldn’t “put up with my bullshit” – he hasn’t yet.  The complexity of the statements are bigger than a false or jaded interpretation. To stop running doesn’t mean to lie down and take it, it means the polar opposite.

Think on it, ok, I will.  

I’ve been off today but did feel better after hearing SK isn’t getting out anytime soon, he still has plenty of time on his ICC violation to serve.  He still has outstanding warrants and if the VA can’t enforce the conditions… Relax the district attorney office said, we’ve got time to make sure you are safe.  

All that’s all well and good but sometimes someone will say something that just brightens up your whole existence – FTR, I got my supports, my closest of friends who know the muck and detail, the ones I trust the most.  That is a rock and more so than I knew at the height of it all. I love them, d & j. 😉

But out of the blue, something is said which reminds you that all of life isn’t the heavy ass fucking shit that my ex so graced me with…’If you need anything, all the ‘BD’ are behind you, we got your back.  Me, so and so and another so and so’. If I happened to need something/someone taken care of – haha.

Three big guys, 2 bats and a crazy asian hockey player with a stick.  

How can I not think that’s the best thing I heard all day!  It was a hell of a lot more reassuring that Judge Reinaker on the bench.



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