Yup, I said it, the week went well, the week ended well and I’m actually really starting to feel semi human again – without it being a feat of epic proportions.
I survived surgery on Monday and while that’s still an ‘in limbo’ status, the actual surgery aspect of it was a giant check in the list of shit to concur.
I fostered new connections that I made and I was also able to be a support person for someone, for once in too long that I can remember, I was able to give something back.
I mustered up any lingering doubt that the soon to be ex has any redeeming value and handed off a stack of papers supporting criminal acts to the same judge that married us. Unlike other big steps I’ve taken away from the shit storm, I was absolutely content with this.
I honestly don’t know if the DA will do anything, I’ve little faith is the judicial system that’s bought and sold in Lancaster County. The whole victim rights and victim advocacy seems more an empty title bestowed than an actual reality.
This is why I have a lawyer, they seem to respond better when the letters ESQ follow something. As I said, bought and sold.
I had something else go in my favor today and that was also good news.
Is the closure of this I’ve chased through depression, anxiety, fear… is it becoming something that could happen?
It’s been so long since I’ve known what being ok, let alone happy could feel like. Everything has been a bloody fucking forced act of just getting to tomorrow…
It’s early, but I haven’t had more than a handful of days at any given time that didn’t feel like it was work, or me putting on a face that I’m supposed to have because society may not get that timelines don’t apply to abuse the same way they may to a more traditional aka acceptable loss.
Maybe I needed him to show his true colors while I was facing illness and surgery to accept he’s a shitbag… as though anything else was not valid enough because it was held to my own subjective interpretations. Who knows.