5:30 Monday Morning  –  To The Hospital for Surgery I Shall Go

 

Then it will be the wait to rule out cancer, fingers crossed.  It’s scary to let my brain go to the wait-if’s.  I wanted to wait until after all the tough days that would be the holiday, birthdays and anniversary had passed. It was a hard enough year and it really was deeply profound to know I thought I had loved a man that vowed to be there for better or worse.  I was always for him, even when he deserved nothing.

It was a lot to process.  

I wanted to make sure all my legal cover my ass shit was in place, just in case the news isn’t good.  Make sure Special K has zero say over any medial issues, the house, the stuff…

I wanted to make sure that everything was in place and in motion, because no matter how angry or indifferent I feel about him now.  I told him, he knows what’s going on and he simply doesn’t give a fuck.  Waiting in this, when it amounts to choices he makes to stay who he’s become.  Had me questioning my own self-worth at times.

December was brutal.  He was the idiot still wearing his ring.  You can pawn that fucker ya know, help offset his Asian ok cupid account.  I would have been so ashamed of myself to be wearing my wedding ring as my spouse got handed another potential game changer.  I would be too embarrassed of my shitty life choices in that set up.

But it isn’t December anymore and I’m set for Monday.  Everything is organized, planned and going forward. rubber-duck-1401225__480

Perhaps I will get a great present next week and they will arrest his remorseless self.  It’s out of my hands now, it’s up the court and whatever possible pressure may be directed to shitty ADA and victim advocate.  Will the timing of the legal maneuvers cross over and see they let a guy they gave $250k straight cash bail walk without a slap on the wrist… but hey, here are charges that most definitely could be pursued because they were not brought that day.

There is no amount of money or jail time that could undo all of this.  I have a trial happy lawyer and it isn’t about ‘winning’, it’s about being strong enough to show my daughters how to not be treated like absolutely nothing but shit.  And for my son to see in himself that no one should treat another human this way.

It some convoluted way, I have the utmost of faith in myself that I will grow from this is ways I can’t yet see.

I wasn’t worth a Disney trip though ☹

A house full of teens and all is quiet, they do their own things.  As for me, I’ve got the dog, sleepy time tea and an episode of How To Get Away With Murder to watch.  It took a long long time to be ok with time that could have been spent with him that felt like it was time that would be regreted someday that was lost over all of this.  When the anxiety and depression felt like they would never end.  I would dread it, because it was enough of a day to day battle and to keep my head above water was, at times, the best of the bad.  I’d have stopped my world back then, just to have had the chance to find the person I thought was still inside him.

dex

Now I see that the chances are that person never existed, I now see the subtle and every growing psychological abuse that I couldn’t see when I was in it.  It doesn’t really leave much of a reason to give a shit about it anymore.  Which is good, because I just don’t.

It’s been a month since we’ve had contact and I haven’t the faintest of desire to have contact again.  It was as though the entire time I was waiting for to not want to be the person he was so clearly carving out to be a permanent place holder in life.

Staying loyal to a fault…  However, I got a lawyer out of it and there will be attorneys fee’s to offset the money I’m coming out of pocket to close out this nightmare.

It wasn’t until I was fully able to see him for the abusive acts done and know that anything before or after – doesn’t change what it is.

It will wrap up nicely with a good old fashioned civil suit, where the threshold of the burden of proof of the pain, suffering and all around hell I’ve lived in, is a preponderance of evidence.

That, I’ve got.  Paper trail and all.  It will cost him a hell of a lot more than it would have if ever could he have seen that his drinking and drug use hurt everyone and if any of the lies dished out had truth in them.

FB_IMG_1496357673876I’m pretty confident now, it was all bullshit lies – looking back on it now, the emotional abuse was always there.  Perhaps enough marriage therapy could have circumvented the implosion, it’s moot now

I never should have agreed to the bail modification.  Too bad it took so long to really get how he never had the remorse of an addict in recovery.  All he was, was dangerously angry at me that I put him in jail and his Mother’s manipulation of anything to save him from that…

I should have left him on the streets of Baltimore, I wish I had turned from him years ago.

Such is life…VPN & IP tracker . org –  lol.

-mk

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