Tomorrow brings some stuff, some of it I’m excited to get done because it’s one more step forward. Some is meh, and I’m not jumping for joy but there will be relief its done and I will get answers.
I am nervous for tomorrow, I’m emotionally attempting to ‘avoid’ being nervous. I’m struggling with the intrusive thoughts that come on the heels of an emotionally abusive marriage.
I’m almost angry at myself for having them. I almost want to be filled with well-deserved anger at the piece of shit he is. Both are non-productive and will help me avoid processing through the real feelings.
Recognizing this is good. I owe myself a Starbucks for this (ok, I can always find an excuse to buy overpriced coffee but we won’t go there)
Tomorrow I go for my biopsy and that’s were my nervousness is focused. The not yet healed from the shit storm of him part of me wonders how I am so worthless and nothing that the one person who should be there or should want to be there for that has made it so clear he could care less. That seeps in and what runs through my head is his hard on for taking someone who “needed” him on a $6k trip.
I must really be the horrible things he’s said to me…
I’m not. To put words to the feelings gives me more control over self than internalizing them and believing what he says must be true. Look at his life and look at mine, common sense dictates here. 😉
I do still struggle with those thoughts and feelings but the intensiveness of them, the length they take hold and impact me are less and less. This is healing and it doesn’t happen overnight, but it does happen.
He’s a ghost of who he was and all the synthetic marijuana he did very well could have rotted and permanently fucked up normal cognition. I really want to believe he wasn’t this much of a selfish, narcissistic douche bag.
Says me, the victim of his abuse! Always defending the downtrodden.
I’ve got a bunch of papers from my attorney that I have signed and will drop off tomorrow so he can bring the motions forward. I feel very empowered having the courage to hand something off that a year ago I was so ashamed of.
Every act that puts more distance between what a fuck up he turned out to be. The better off I will be in the long run.
I’m not going to have that deep seething anger for him today, he’s not worth it. He is not right in the head. I should care about that as much as he cares about, say, me 😉
Ya, I hear crickets too…