Ok, well part of the quote anyway.
“I’m all glued back together now. I make no apologies for how I chose to repair what you broke”-Greys Anatomy
I’m far from all glued back together, all shiny and rosy. But hell you piece of shit, I’m getting there and I’m gonna be damned if I don’t put every ounce of who I am into being whole again. Thanks for that.
Because and I quote from the soon to be ex “This has nothing to do with safety”. Oh no, it has absolutely everything to do with safety. Every bit of shit that’s been thrown at me over these past 15 or so months has had its core in safety.
Safety isn’t just a state of physical being and it isn’t the only safety that can be stripped away and leave someone grasping for air.
“This has nothing to do with safety”. As though any and all of what has been this past year when I came home from work that day to a strung out husband. I sure did feel “safe” that day, said no one… He could have killed me and I believe that day, he was fully capable of following his threats through. It was by luck I believe I escaped his hold on my neck that made the difference of me breathing and me not so much.
Ya, nothing to do with safety.
Safety isn’t a practicality, it’s pretty damn complex actually. His statement to me could be interpreted a few different ways…from emotionally abusive to victim shaming….all the way to plain old ignorance surrounding the dynamic of being a victim of an assault.
It doesn’t matter, it isn’t my job, place or responsibility to decipher what the impetus behind that statement was. Stupid gross fuck.
I don’t need him to believe my truth. I am finding the power in believing my own truth. Right now, it’s about me and only me in what is true and what isn’t.
It does, however, create a talking point to counter the minimization that surrounds being a victim of a violent crime.
Victims of violence experience trauma. I concur. The physical wounds heal and fade but the reactions to those physical and emotional wounds can last for days, weeks or even years. When I tell you we wish those emotional wounds would go the fuck away, that is absolute truth. We want that more than anything because that’s what has us in the grip and being here, it isn’t a box of cupcakes.
Emotional trauma. The wounds that aren’t seen and don’t fade like a bruise from your body being slammed on a window jamb. Intense stress reactions can and do vary from person to person and from day to day.
Emotional trauma can take on many masks, it can hide and lurk and present itself to being seen by the world in a way in which may not be seen for exactly what it is. It almost becomes a double hit for those of us trying to find the other side.
(You are not alone in what you feel, even when it feels like you are the most alone person in the world)
Feelings of Shock and feeling ‘frozen’ as though you are cut off from your own emotions. “Victims may not be able to make decision or conduct their lives as they did before the crime”. The truth in that statement is bone chilling true and even now I don’t have the words to accurately articulate what it was like in the days, weeks and months that followed.
Denial…oh my dear friend denial. Forever doing its best to keep us from the pain and otherwise unbearable memories by holding them just under the surface. “Denial my invoke anger and a desire to get even with the offender”. You have no idea.
Anger often gets a bad rap and I can tell ya, that anger that come full circle from being at the hands of to wanting to be the hand of… it can scare people. They look at you funny when you show them crazy eyes. Anger is also very empowering and when you really tear it down and aren’t afraid to acknowledge it exists and serves a purpose… Those of us that have been hurt can have some pretty dark thoughts fueled by anger that we would love nothing more than to have our hands make that fucking shit even… maybe even have the upper hand.
Don’t fear that, it gives the abuser more power. Own it. Your power comes from knowing those feelings are there, knowing they may even have validity and knowing your own moral compass keeps you from actually acting on it. Unlike the person who did act on it, and left wounds deeper than a bruise.
Let us not forget the bastard step child of an assault, acute stress. That is the one that stays and seeps in when you think maybe this time you’ve got enough footing to have something solid. Fucker won’t quit.
It’s hard, it’s really really hard but it does pass.
Don’t trust me when I say it will pass, wait until you trust yourself to know – it will pass 😊