You only need to look to see that some good things are there, it’s a bitter truth that there are times we have to admit to ourselves that we don’t want them to come out of the shadows because we are afraid of enjoying them with the missing pieces our life.
My good things this week will cause discomfort in someone else. I have held that to be my responsibility, because I
am, was, in a codependent and abusive marriage. I allowed myself to hold to a boundary I put out, only after I put space in front of the ruins. For about 15 months I’ve put this behind everything else, because this might make him hurt, make him mad, violent…
This is a boundary, fuck it, we can call it the darker truth too. It was an ultimatum.
I am not at the point yet where I’m kicking myself for not doing it before. To be honest, I am afraid to get to that point too, but now, I’m a little less afraid of when I do get there.
After a month of no contact, I was just far enough out of his peppering of ‘give a shit’ about me bread crumbs he would toss my direction at perfectly timed manipulative points where he acted like he gave a shit.
I gave up the ghost and I gave up feeling bad for the fact he struggles with addiction. You can be an addict and not also emotionally abuse people, well, kinda. You can be an addict and the effect of emotional abuse on those you love is part of the pretty package and not stand alone character traits. Not all addicts hurt those they claim they love and feel zero remorse for the hurts they cause.
You can check a shit ton of boxes in the pathological narcissist/sociopath/personality disorder self help guide and struggle with addition. The emotional abusive traits are the flashing neon red flag the mother fucker has some serious issues. Let’s add the fun of synthetic marijuana to the mix because drug induced psychosis that turns ya violent is like the best.fun.ever.
No part of me wanted the later to be the reality. I’m a child of an alcoholic. Thanks mom for the lifelong issues you saddled me with. It is a world I know and I know well. I was game to heal my marriage, for therapy, family therapy – to be bigger, love and support him, me, us.
He would have had to actually do the therapy and pretended he cared in a consistent manner and not bread crumbs of obligatory give fucks to shut me up long enough to keep using me for gain or string me along just long enough to “break” me as he told my close friend that was his end game.
That didn’t happen folks. I stupidly gave him one more chance this week. When I say I’m co-dependent, damn I sure as fuck can be.
One. More. Chance. Of course he didn’t give two fucks. Why the hell would he. This is the man who tried to kill his wife, didn’t care and blamed me for it.
Or dumped 6k because someone who was stroking his ego “needed him” and as the well-played narcissistic tendency shined right on through, he stepped right up for her.
I might have cancer. I have am having a biopsy of a mass. He knows this. Yup, he is the man who turns on his sick wife. Gross.
This is the man I loved. He didn’t pick me. I served my purpose and he moved on to the next distraction of his life.
The good of 4 weeks void of his ‘love’, gave me just enough space and perspective to allow myself to not care more about hurting him or his anger at me for that, more than myself.
It feels good to hold myself first. This direction will have its ups and downs too, I don’t look forward to reliving some of this during civil proceedings. Because I’m a human who can and does have empathetic feelings, it won’t feel good to know some of the paths I need to take to become a stronger woman will upset him. Hurting him is not and will never be what I want.
It is good to not have to give a shit about how any of my life impacts him anymore. He is dead to me.
Taking those 4 weeks of zero contact was the best Christmas gift I gave myself, it wasn’t like I had a gift from my husband to open 😉