It feels good, it’s good for us or we can a sense of positive momentum forward seeing something in a happy flower kitty land of good light, we admire. We strive. We could cross over to objectifying it, maybe.
If we admire, it must therefore mean something is agreeable to us. Why the hell would we strive for that direction if we didn’t, somehow, dare I say, selfishly gain from it? I don’t know if human nature would allow for that.
The other side of good, is bad and with that, all the wonderfully fun emotions that come tagging right along. We don’t really like those feelings. I don’t.
I’m at a crossroad in my life today, I have to gain from those who had strength and courage to come out of the other side of an abusive relationship. Today, admiring that hasn’t put me in happy flower kitty land * yet*, but it is keeping my head above water.
My domestic violence experience isn’t extra special, my feelings are not feelings only I have felt. I am not the only one who has had them latch on and dig their claws in with the intensity I have felt them.
As my therapist so eloquently stated this week, I “know all I am going to know on this intellectually”.
This is truth.
I have been objectifying the idea there is admiration to be had in those who had been held captive in the hell that is a domestic abuse cycle. I could keep that neatly and abstract and intellectual notion.
My path has turned to allowing myself to admire those who came out the other side and found a voice that people like me heard just faintly enough to walk towards.
To make the abstract, concrete. To be the person in myself that I can admire someday, because I, too, came out the other side of the hell he left me.
Here kitty kitty kitty…I have a flower for you.