I’m not really all that in on the New Year crap, quite frankly it’s fucking pain. It takes like a month before you remember to put the right year down when writing it.
That said, the old blog has had it’s time and the new one starts the New Year. Maybe I should jump on the obligatory New Year resolution gig. At least that can be my excuse.
The reality is that I had a shitty December. My shitty December really does pale in comparison to my shitty last year. I can say that for a few more hours before 2016 becomes 2 years ago and not one.
My life revolved around the trauma of one day, the day my altered husband with his unconventional means to help me vacate my house via the second story bathroom window changed everything and challenged me well past my own comfort level of dysfunction. The ensuing roller coaster of emotions that don’t go away like bruises do.
I wish they did. Honestly, I wish it were just bruises and life could have taken a different path from those few minutes that changed everything.
There is something very pressing about turning from 2017 to 2018, almost some self-imposed timeline of this all becomes more of a choice when the days stopped being weeks…months and now we are approaching multiple years (even if multiple years is a few months away).
I went to a holiday party last night, it really was a where he would have fell right in and it could have been one of those great ‘family’ nights. There were nerds and geeks, he would have been right at home.
It was my people in a life that I realized is definitely something I want back more than I want the crawling out of shit I’ve had. It’s a reminder that there was a life before, a life that I *loved* and life that *loved* my kids. With people who were day to day influences to my children. I had two competitive gymnasts, you live at the gym…at least 20 hours a week. A life I had a place in and wasn’t told what shitty parent I was, or how broken I am, or that I sucked as a wife and a human.
My kids coaches, turned fellow coaches, turned lifelong friends. I guess you bond when you put your childs life in someone’s hands and they hand a kid back to you with a broken bone, lol.
These are my people, I keep seeing I have more and more people that seemed to be on the periphery of life the past few years. They are also not my only people, I have people who cared for me when I was in the hospital, who made Christmas dinner and love my children.
A conversation last night around the newspaper article when he tried to push out the second story window. I know people knew, I just avoided it because I was so embarrassed and ashamed. I loved him and anyone who knows me, knew how deep that was.
My friend told me he was sorry for not being a better friend when it happened, he didn’t know what to do.
Good. You shouldn’t know what to do. You’re in the wrong crowd of people if you know what to do when someone hurts another human that way! I need to remember that little tid bit of reality check. I got what he was trying to convey. I couldn’t hide what happened when it hit the media even though I wanted to crawl under a rock and die. I wouldn’t have known what to do either if I had learned that about someone I care about in the news.
All in all, we had a good night with good people and I was reminded that even the people who are not there day to day, are still just as much there. I only need to show up and be present. That hasn’t been easy the past year, but it is getting easier.
I have a new blog/site, because I was a person before this past year and I’ve been and will continue to be a person in the future. I have stories that came well before, some run of the mill boring ass stories and my goal this New Year and in my own future are to create as many boring ass stories as I possibly can. Gouge your eyes out with a spork kinda boring.
Happy New Year to each and every person in my life, I love you all and you all know who you are.