And Then We Went For Pancakes

I don’t know what to make of today, there is an overwhelming sense of relief and finality, I’m not sure if it goes well with the scent of my Christmas tree…boy-447716__480

Relief as though the million little fractured pieces of the life I’ve spent a year balancing ever so delicately so they didn’t come crashing down – one wrong move and they fall to the floor only to shatter again.

Finality because I believe myself to be able to let go.  It’s frightening as fuck.

From last year to this, it’s a different world now.  I’ve been laid off, trying to have a hand in starting my own company, my furnace has been broken for weeks now (yay for space heaters), the kids dad moved to Hawaii and who needs child support anyway!  I know it’s a temporary squeeze but the stress of it sucks ass nonetheless.

It’s not last year this time, last year is a dull haze that I survived because I had no other choice, because I have children and I will not do to them what I lived through as a child.

I had a huge fight with Kleo over our taxes, because it’s always something. He dug his heals in, his ever so classic stubborn Kleo way and did an about face over signing them jointly.  So those already late 2016’s, he’d rather owe taxes filing separate than for me get a refund filing jointly.  Not that I have kids here I’m raising or anything.  It’s a big hit when the power trip is a signature that takes thousands away because of a filing status.

Dick move.  I think he may change that dick move…I hope.

I didn’t shine so brightly myself the past week.  It was an ugly on both sides, low blows left and right.  Dysfunctional people don’t fight well 😉

I sent an email I shouldn’t have sent, I got sucked into my own panic and trigger mode.  Solid black and white thinking.  It was a low, shitty move.

I was hurting, fearful, angry and many other colorful adjectives, over a stupid tax form that would have been a big help right now.  Add that to the loneliness I’m so over feeling, the mother fucker was camped out beside me all Thanksgiving…we’ve moved past ‘firsts’, the holidays are now ‘agains’.  I can’t tell you how over to top excited I am for Christmas and my anniversary that’s coming up.  Yay me.

Whether my perception of what was spiraling was spot on or dead wrong matters less than I shouldn’t have reacted.  Dick move or not.  I made my own dick move.

It cumulated today, unplanned – I got some piece of all of this that I have been chasing to get.  Looking for that elusive part, the part that makes all the feelings make sense.

The missing part that lets you be normal after a life changing event.  Is it in the million pieces on your shoulders?  If you look to find it, the rest of life goes to shit and fuck it, you’re not even sure that piece is even in that cluster fuck anyway.

I saw Kleo today.  Fuck me if the Kleo that showed up was the one I thought I knew, the one before drugs or alcohol or crazy October days that brand you, seared into every fiber of what you are now.

He said he was sorry, it was the first time I’ve believed a word out of his mouth in well over a year now.

He asked for nothing and gave those words today, or so it seemed or I let it be just that – because I needed to have that be real.  I’ve been in the middle, stuck in the mess that every well-meaning person doesn’t see on the day to day level.  Yes, I know it can be attributed to the domestic abuse cycle, which could be clinically accurate – it doesn’t matter if it is or it isn’t.  You feel it either way.

There is a still a loss even when logic says it’s not safe.  Passive aggressive digs used to lull the deeper pain.  Even though it doesn’t happen often, there are days it will sneak up and smack you in the face. Those are the days I put on the face the world thinks you should see after your husband tried to kill you.  You have to play the part because every bit of common sense tells you that.  Those are the days I sneak off to cry in the shower, let it out and put the mask of being ok back on.  I’ll master that bitch this holiday season!

It’s been a year.

We embraced today, he’s a foot + taller than me.  It was always my favorite place, that hug and that kiss on the head.  Absolutely no part of me wanted to let go.  Every part of me knew it was that time or I’ll never move past the weight of this.

He said he was sorry he hurt me like he did.  I’ve needed that, I needed to know that I was worth a sorry.

And we both said goodbye.

I feel whole again.  I didn’t leave an addicted who was going to do nothing but destroy his life as I battle my own enabling and co-dependent demons and attempt to move on as I worry if this phone call will be the one where he’s dead.

We said goodbye and it wasn’t out of anger, fear, poorly placed defensive or self-protection measures.

He went down the rabbit whole of substance abuse, if he is/when he/or if he ever gets to that place in recovery… his addiction took his marriage too.

Bye Kleo, I love you always.

Hello world, I want to live my whole self in this world 🙂

-mk

 

 

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