Monday, a new week yet again. I survived a ball to the face and reconstructive surgery.
I survived the low that comes when you get hurt and actually need people to care and be there for you. I survived that need, the one where your spouse swoops in, cares, comforts and becomes an unyielding support.
When you need *him*, and he wouldn’t give a shit if you needed, wanted or asked for him. He’s probably too busy with some psych ward pick up 22yo.
The need came and went, faster than I had expected it too. When big happens, all of a sudden you get hit with this wall of need that crumbles faster than it went up because you stopped looking…expecting a long time ago.
I am lucky, I have people who didn’t blink an eye when I needed. Those are your people, those are the ones you don’t have to wave a big orange flag in front of and say ‘hey, I fucking need you to man the fuck up’.
They did what people who care do, they buffer the ouch. I like my people.
I had my low, I had the moment of acceptance where you admit to yourself you aren’t looking for your other half and no one, not one single person thinks you would.
I don’t think anyone called him to tell him his wife was in the hospital. They don’t have the battle of an emotional lingering tie to ‘what if’. They see him as the piece of shit he has become. If I want to be honest, they probably see him as the piece of shit he always was but are not ones to burst my bubble, they care and all.
I would surmise I’m the lucky one, my biggest beef is being ratted out that I couldn’t play ball tonight.
Shouldn’t it be my “husband” failed again… my biggest pet peeve has a lovely sense of boring to it. You can’t play, Doctor said no.
Where was my “husband”? Was he at the ball field doing his diligence to keep me from playing?
Nah, he’s probably chatting his life away with his psych pick up. She probably needs ‘saving’ and lord knows his ego needs to be stroked. Good on her for giving one up for the team. A homeless and/or live with mommy 41 is a sure bet healthy relationship choice for a train wreck 22yo.
Can we say trophy? Why yes we can.
Monday comes to an end, I will crawl in bed to Netflix the night away. I showed up to my game, even though I didn’t play.
Because you show up, always show up. I had dinner with the spawn and we played basketball for a while. The dog, kids, conversation with a teen and a nice fall night.
I get up tomorrow and don’t have to piss in a cup to prove anything to anyone.
Kleo said to me I follow through with what I say I’m going to do… Isn’t that the point?
Why would that be a surprise? Because I love him, because I wish he would pull his head out of his ass doesn’t mean I don’t spend a vast majority of my time in reality.