Navigating this spouse shit is exhausting. I didn’t marry a guy who feigns remorse, he flat out lets me know he doesn’t have such a trite feeling. I’ve also been told he never wanted to marry me and conveniently as the court/legal issues are coming to a head, he’s ok with the idea of marital therapy.
The whole carrot, but really it’s a carrot covered in shit. It’s time to move on and be self-aware enough to know this is nothing more but more of the same manipulation and bullshit tactics of before.
Ironically he had deluded himself to this notion I somehow have to earn my place. I had a sense of “entitlement” – obviously ill placed by the title of ‘wife’.
Everything is none of my business, wife and all. Duh. I loathe having his last name now, it’s a reminder of something that could have been good but instead is thrown in my face too often. If you’re wondering, everything is my fault too.
I should shut my mouth, because he did pay the car insurance. We should all be happy he did one thing in between picking up 22yo, jail, hospitals… I Mean really, HE PAID THE CAR INSURANCE.
I need to get back to extracting myself from this, not get lulled by the pockets of forced abstaining.
Marital therapy, that’s cute isn’t it. He gave me one reason, just one. He won’t though, because his reasons for that are self-serving to him, not out of a desire to own his part and beat all odds. It’s to have the court not yank his bail. And like the story goes, Kleo will gleefully throw my ass under the bus if I let him.
I don’t want to let him. I will accept nothing less than full commitment to sobriety and healthy living. He is offering maybes, and waiting for maybes. That all adds up to a stock pile of excuses and questionable at best justifications.
Good luck with that. He would be better served if he crawled back to the homeless shelter and played the woe is me card.
He’s a shell of a man, he used to be good. Now he is empty. He used to make $200k + a year, now he’s a felon who hasn’t worked in years.
He finds those slightly lower than he is to fill the ego. He married me, even if he tells me he never wanted to, he did. I have known nothing but devastation of addiction, I’ve seen the always low climb out. Always the low who fight and win.
I’ve seen it. I’ve seen hopeless turn to hope. I know addiction isn’t a character flaw, but hurts that are worn like an albatross. So I always believe.
I also know that no matter how much I believe, it’s doesn’t mean a fucking thing if the addicted aren’t in that place. Some will never find that, some will.
They have ‘us’ who carry the hurts they just can’t and they can’t see that. We aren’t stronger or better, we hold it differently, we hurt ourselves differently. It’s a vicious cycle.
Leaving it is harder than staying in it. I know that truth all too well.
Don’t be lulled by the shit covered carrot. Bow out with grace and dignity, they love their drug of choice above all else.